Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Every yawn is a potential blowjob if you're fast enough.

   I just yawned and my last girlfriends soul flew out.

   I'm "got my sexual education from a 2 Live Crew cassette tape" years old.

   I'm sorry I put on surgical gloves to shake your hand.

   diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend, a fat less attractive girl is.

   My coffee was so bitter this morning you'd think I had divorced it.

   You had me at hello...oh you weren't talking to me.

   I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it's a website to find love. So I was close.

   Some idiot just told me to "Take a hike" as if I don't love nature and finding inner strength through solitude

   Like a good neighbor,I don't really care.

   Thank god the Beastie Boys fought for my right to party I'm just sitting on my couch though

   You can lose weight but unfortunately you can't lose ugly.

   I just woke up and realized I didn't have to.

   I'd like the ability to call the car in front of me & tell the driver to pull her head out of her ass. Where are we on this technology?

   "LSD causes users to lose weight" Obviously. You can't eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.

   Has science explained why you have to walk around the house when on the phone?

   How much for that babysitter? Ma'am, that's a roll of duct tape I'll take it!

   Anyone know where I can get a medic alert bracelet for "does not make small talk?"

   [the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn't matter if its a dog, it's still called a cat scan"

   The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up... lol!