Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.

   If it came down to it, I could probably survive on Skittles and beer.

   I looked at my unmade bed this morning and decided it was art in another medium and I should not destroy it.

   I feel like life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.

   I would complain more about Monday, but there is still the rest of the week to mess up everything.

   Close your eyes and think of something that you either want or need that would make you happy. Now open your eyes. Disappointing, isn't it?

   If you are never scared, embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take chances.

   I'll put a bird bath in my yard when the birds install a car wash in my garage.

   Riding through the aisles of Walmart on a scooter from the toy section wearing some Cookie Monster Tighty Whities, rainbow striped thigh high socks, wearing a construction hat and screaming FREE WILLIE while knocking over everything in site until loss pre

   Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

   Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.

   id rather check my facebook than face my checkbook!!!

   You know you're watching too much TV when you start recognizing commercial actors from other commercials.

   My decision to not hold the door for the person walking at a questionable distance behind me is usually met with immediate guilt as I bolt through the door and sprint ahead to widen the gap and justify my move.

   have you noticed that all ugly people say, beauty is within and all rich people say, money don't buy you happiness ;)

   I feel like I'm beeing internet stalked

   Now that I've grown, I've realized that all the "cool" parents were actually just bad parents.

   A girl wearing a pink jersey is not a fan of football. She's just trying to bang someone who is.

   I just saw a car that had The Club locked onto the steering wheel, a car phone, a beaded seat cushion, and a fuzzy steering wheel cover. The only logical explanation for this is that this car is a time machine.

   The only reason I ever check my voicemail is to clear the notification.