Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Having a diet coke with your super-sized meal doesn't make it a ''healthy choice.''

   The problem with money is too much of it belongs to people who aren't me.

   If anyone has trouble finding the key to my heart, I keep an extra set under the stones in my kidney.

   It's great when I find out that some girl that used to be a b*tch to me in high school is just some random guys' baby mama now.

   If you got a problem with your woman dont go out and get another woman cause now you got 2 problems

   Why do I feel so awkward about asking you for the money you owe me? You owe me. You must feel terrible.

   Can we just make everything battery-related run on AA batteries?

   Just list United States first, Scroll Down Menu. I'm quite certain no one from Afghanistan is signing up for your email alerts.

   Without fail, any movie sequel that does not have the same actors as the first movie will be terrible. Every time. I don't know why they bother.

   Yo Mamas So Fat She Downloaded Cheats For Wii Fit

   Why does Jason kill on Fridays when ppl are just starting their weekend? Why can't he wait til Monday mornings when everyone hates their lives

   Why do guys think more then girls, and why do girls talk more then guys? Because guys have two heads and girls have two sets of lips

   Standup Facebook. Where "Poke" is the new booty call.

   I Got Married For Better or For Worse................She couldn't do better and I couldn't do any worse

   When you don't have love, it is like there's a party going on and everybody was invited except for you ... and you just happen to walk by that house in the rain ...

   sings "I want to be a hundredaire so freaking bad"

   born at a very young age.

   A 27-year-old was arrested after posting on Facebook he was engaged to a 14-year-old. His relationship status: “It's Illegal.”

   I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95 plus shipping and handling.

   He who hesitates is not only lost, but probably 12kms from the next motorway exit.