Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.

   I'm old enough to remember when a selfie was some lotion and a box of Kleenex.

   Well, well, well...look who's crawling back, asking me to repair the axle on their wheelchair.

   He died doing what he loved: checking to see if bears are ticklish.

   I got 69 problems. My girlfriend is a midget.

   Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter

   The Black Eyed Peas are just regular peas that got on an elevator with Ray Rice.

   That's easy, here, hold my beer for a sec..

   Sorry I pissed on your leg. I thought you were flirting with me.

   Yesterday I heard a young white kid tell his mom "I hate you and you annoy me, you stupid b*tch" Then a black woman slapped me just for hearing it

   Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that's why I haven't been at work in one week.

   The heart wants what the heart wants. *opens 12th beer*

   None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because dogs can only bark.

   Hey kids, see that new sports car over there? Well your old man got a promotion today & got some new glasses so I also see the car. nice car

   Girlfriend said "Do you want to go to a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert?" & I said "Do you want to have a different boyfriend that isn't me"

   i don't understand the hype around iOS8, people update java and adobe flash player on a daily basis and don't tell everyone about it.

   *takes out one earbud* "not guilty, your honor"

   Congratulations on your internet fame! Now table six could really use some more coffee.

   No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.

   Contrary to popular belief, cats actually love water. You just have to set them on fire first.