santa AND presents AND christmas AND xmas AND holidays AND elfs Funny Status Messages

   What flavor vape oil are you leaving out for Santa this year?

   I am trying to get into the Christmas "spirit" but can't get the bottle open...

   I know what I’m getting for Christmas …Yeah that's right, Fat. I’m getting fat.

   I was so mad at my parents when I found out Santa wasn’t real, I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove.

   Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother's wives bras

   me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] "no person wants this many birds"

   "Sorry about your dress." "Sorry about the nudity." "Sorry I kept calling your wife sir." - Me, the day after the office Christmas party.

   The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, "Don't get me anything for Christmas."

   Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids' gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.

   Christmas as a child: "Socks and Money? This is ridiculous!" Christmas as an adult: "SOCKS AND MONEY? HOW DID YOU KNOW? THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED. I LOVE YOU"

   Store Clerk: Happy holidays Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS [we just start choking each other]

   The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

   In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid "If you don't stop fussing I'm gonna make you spend christmas with this man" and then points at me causing him to cry harder

   The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn't already hate you...

   COP: someone's been cutting everyone's christmas lights but not yours ME: I have no idea why a crustacean- I mean person would do that [my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]

   Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street. Cop: Those are traffic lights, what's exactly in the thermos ma'am?

   To people who have Christmas lights flashing blue in their yard........ can you remove them? Every time I pass, I think it's the cops and I have to remove my foot from the accelerator, slam on my brakes, put my seat belt on, throw my phone on the floor, h

   If anybody knows any lonely old people preparing to eat Christmas dinner alone? Please let me know as I need to borrow some chairs!

   If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

   I wasn't allowed to watch "A Charlie Brown Christmas" as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.