Baddie Funny Status Messages

   If you use the word “extravaganza” in a poster for your party I immediately assume it will be held in a retirement home.

   Lime flies when you're having rum.

   Don't know how you got your head that far up your ass with your foot in your mouth, but damn thats impressive.

   What's a bae and can I deep fry it and dip it in cheese?

   Maybe cigarettes don't give you cancer. Maybe it's the jean jackets and sunglasses. We just don't know.

   Anyone with more than 0 bumper stickers needs to relax

   Twerking is great for working out your legs and daddy issues at the same time

   I'd take a stupid dog over a stupid person any day.

   I bet there's a rapper trying to figure out a way to replace his teeth with LED lights

   Ok, I'm finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.

   You know your phone can take pictures of other people too right? Just checking.

   If my walls could talk, they'd probably say "stop running into me you idiot"

   I was sober for 15 straight years but on my 16th birthday I decided that I've had enough.

   I tried sweeping a problem under the rug once, but her legs kept sticking out.

   "It's a boy!" I shouted as I ran away from the Thai brothel

   [shows up late for first day of new job] *blames it on rush hour* [shows up late for second day of new job] *blames it on rush hour 2*

   HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot

   Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor "Have you ever turned down heroin?" Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.

   "But what does it mean?" - WOMEN

   I don't believe death is the end. In my heart I know that, long after I'm gone, I will continue to receive Hot Summer Deal!!! emails.