Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The guy who invented the "backseat windows can only roll down halfway" feature really overlooked the fact that no one would want that feature.

   Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn't talking about sneezing.

   I'm not hiding anything... but stop looking at my phone while I'm texting.

   A job interview is like a first date. You dress up, pretend to be someone else and spend the time wondering if you're going to get screwed.

   I've realized that when taking care of really drunk friends, I have to treat them like they're 5-year-olds. "Mmm this water is so delicious! You want to try some?" And the funny thing is, it works. "Yeah, give me some of that sh*t!"

   This girl asked me, "Why guys always have their hands down their pants?" I told her, "When you've got something great, you want to hold onto it."

   I triple-majored in college to give myself a range of options to explore and find career I'd love. Three working years later, I've narrowed down the options significantly: anything not involving those majors.

   There is no regulation for the use of foul language in my office. You better f*cking believe I abuse the hell out of that sh*t.

   No clean cereal bowls? Line a strainer with plastic wrap. Laziness is the father of invention.

   Why do people ask, "Do you have a cell phone?" You might as well be asking them if I have a pulse.

   When I'm texting with a girl I like and inviting her to join in my plans, I like to end the message with, "Want to come?" There's nothing like the inducement to get her to say yes.

   Before I know I'm in for a hellacious night of drinking, I try to plan a few common sense things out ahead of time, like a hotel or a DD or something like that. There's always one variable I forget, though - I'm an invincible moron when I'm drunk.

   Asking a politician about their stance on an issue is like asking Justin Bieber about his sexuality. You're never going to get a straight answer.

   My cat must have eaten an entire Reggae band, the darn thing keeps hoiking up dreadlocks!

   You know your friends are starting to mature when you wake up on a random couch after a crazy house party and there's no d!ck drawn on your face.

   During a job interview, when I get asked what my weaknesses are, I always want to say "Beautiful blondes and whiskey."

   There's no sexual Carfax report. This seems like something we should be working on. It would take online dating to a whole new level.

   I dream of the day that I can put my true strengths on my resume and these skills be appreciated. "So I see here you're a bird's eye shot with a rubberband and can pluck a fly out of the air with your bare hands. You Sir, are what we called hired!"

   after watching the Maryland/Navy game, I have to say that I am a little concerned about national security. I mean, the armed forces should be able to strategize better than anyone, right?!?

   Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.