Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Before you begin, I’m legally obligated to tell you I don’t care.

   I never smile in public. Smiles invite people to talk.

   I'm not sure which is worse: People who try to force their religion onto you. Or people who insist on telling you about their daily horoscope.

   People who get drunk after one beer: what's it like, being criminally insane?

   Nothing says "I'm behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.

   No its not a nightmare. You are just married.

   MARRIAGE TIP: Don't get fat.

   I already want to take a nap tomorrow.

   Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.

   When two sets of boobs cross paths, the larger set has the right of way.

   I would leave my house a LOT more if I could take the couch with me and wear my pajamas.

   Michael Jackson could do a very realistic Thriller video right now.

   my vodka just did the ice bucket challenge.

   I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.

   I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.

   The guy who leaked the Jennifer Lawrence pictures may be the first man to ever die of too many hi fives

   Energetic people who say "I'll sleep when I'm dead", are already dead to me.

   My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don't run into anyone you know

   I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone's ok with that.

   It's like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn't want me to braid her hair.