Funny Status Messages

   I've just been dumped by my girlfriend. She found me creepy because I have a nickname for my penis. Guess now that I'm single again, I'll have to take Matters into my own hands.

   Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong socks before I went for a walk.

   What do you call a big group of lesbians? The Munch Bunch.

   the world needs a hero - I'll go change my clothes

   Getting snubbed by the left turn arrow at an intersection after waiting your turn is annoying. Getting skipped twice? I will murder you, light! But a third time?! Clearly a valid legal defense for blowing right through that mother f*cker.

   Before going out last night, one of my friends asked if there was anything going on at the bar we were going to. Well, I'm pretty sure they're going to be serving drinks. What else matters?

   OMG!! I Just failed my theory test. Apparently female drivers aren't a hazard.

   I'd stand a much greater chance at checking out those spam porn emails if they didn't read something like, "young cuties horses XXX mother/son gangbang bondage erotica!" Uh, all at the same time, or...?

   It's a good thing I'm not a cellar-master for a winery, because I'd be terrible at my job. "This wine is going to taste so good in like 6 years...or, we could pop this b*tch open right now..."

   I saw the most intelligent piece of graffiti ever today.I was dropping a batch in a public toilet when I saw something written in very small writing at the bottom of the door. As I leaned over to see it closer it read..."You are now s***ting at a 45°

   Every time I try to accelerate in my little Honda there's a voice that says, "Your request for speed has been received, and is very important to us. We are working diligently to provide great customer service. Current wait time is...five...minutes."

   This guy posted pics of his girl on a forum - I'm not saying she's ugly, it just looks like she dives face first into gravel for a hobby. He mentioned the camera settings were a bit off... I was thinking the best camera setting would've been "off."

   I feel bad when I see a bug on my car when I'm heading to work. Even if the thing manages to hang on the entire way, it's still gonna be like, "Whew, okay, I didn't die. Now...where the F*CK am I?"

   People give all kinds of excuses to the cellphone guys at the mall as to why they won't stop. "I have a phone with you guys already," or "I just signed a new contract." Personally, I like to cut to the chase with, "I hate you guys."

   People say I have an obsessive personality, but after thousands of hours of research spanning nearly a decade, I can find no conclusive evidence supporting this.

   If I come into work really early, each time I say "Hi" to whoever is there all I'm really doing is gathering witnesses to justify my early departure.

   Since it's so hard to find new blades, I had to look at getting a new razor. But after looking at the names I'm a little confused: the Mach 4, the Hydro, the Fusion, the Nitro... Am I buying a shaver or a f*cking jetpack?

   I really think iPhone owners fake not knowing stuff just so they can bust out their phones to look it up.

   Memo to my coworkers: It is Friday afternoon, and I have some serious web browsing and personal emailing to take care of, so please refrain from walking behind my cubicle. Thank you.

   When I am sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead