Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If girls are made of sugar and spice, how come they taste like anchovies?

   bad news is time flys, good news is your the pilot

   If you were inside my head, A penny for my thoughts would be an overpayment.

   Dear suicidal insects on my windshield: Stop it, I can't see.

   I learned to cuss from Too Short.

   I hate when you try dodging someone walking the opposite direction and you both step the same way, twice.

   I don't need to see 48 pictures of the vehicle you just bought. It's a used Sonata. Relax.

   Given how much lint I pull out of the lint trap in my dryer, why aren't my clothes dissolving faster?

   There is such a thing as making too good of an impression on the first date. I've wined and dined you superbly and we've had great conversation... now I gotta be Don Julio in the sack or this house of cards is gonna crumble.

   First dates in movies always consist of activities that would never work in real life. Oh, paddle boating in a lake... so romantic until the first fight comes 4 seconds in on which person is not pulling their weight.

   I hate how I procrastinate so much that by the time I reach the end of my to-do list, I have to go back and uncheck "laundry."

   I feel pretty useless when I see that people living off a spoonful of rice a day can somehow muster the energy to build an irrigation system for their village when I can't even answer a question before I eat breakfast.

   It recently became apparent to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on a keyboard. This is why I'll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase "Regards" ever again.

   Wine tasting is very disappointing. I prefer wine consuming where the server gives you a bottle and leaves you alone. I don't need a history of how these grapes were stomped and I'd appreciate more than a thimble sized cup.

   I hate when people answer an "or" question with just a yes or no: "Did you order the pizza or do I have to do it?"... "Yup"

   Listen, I didn't come to the dog park to "connect with other dog owners." I came here so my dog can take a dump as much as he pleases, and I don't have to clean up after him because no one can prove it was him.

   The most valuable contribution social networking sites have made to my life is showing me how ridiculous it was to have ever been intimidated by or feel less than the people I went to high school with.

   The moment I hear the word "inches" in any discussion, I'm already preparing myself for a mental manhood measuring contest. 4 inches of rain? No problem. 22 inch bass? You win.

   How do you get to be that guy who waves the chopsticks at the the orchestra? I feel like I could do that.

   I've known myself for 30 years. How am I still able to convince myself that I can remember things without writing them down right away?