Baddie Funny Status Messages

   You just don't know what awkward is until you call out your wife's name while having sex with her sister.

   If I've learned anything from movies, it's that most murder cases are only solved after a detective is suspended but ignores the suspension.

   maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.

   How much for the love drug? Sir, that's chloroform

   Justin Bieber Bragged That Miranda Kerr "Made Him a Man," Didn't know Miranda Kerr is a doctor specializing in pen*s transplantation.

   Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I'd like to bring a guest.

   I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.

   Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?

   The worst thing about spanking a kid in Wal-Mart is that I have no idea who's kid this is.

   Your lips are saying, "yes" but your lazy eye is saying, "Ooooooooh what is that over theeerrrreee???"

   A V-neck so deep it teaches a philosophy class at the local community college.

   I don't carry a gun, but I do carry an uncomfortable amount of eye contact.

   Hello? Hey, sorry for calling so late. It's Dorothy. From the internet. Facebook. Sorry, I just... was that status about me?

   Morning wood starts the best fire.

   If you wear pants in your own home why did you even buy a house

   Well well well, if it isn't the girl who escaped from my trunk.

   Old people sure have a way of making eating look sad.

   pizza will never tell you to apologize to your mother in law

   My favorite in-laws are the ones that don't exist.

   My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism. Don't worry. I never get laid.