Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just b/c a hoe is throwin it at you don't mean you gotta take it. its like boxing, you don't take every punch thrown, dodge that b1tch.

   Well officer, it wasn't public urination until you started looking at me.

   Dear reply-to-all sender, we obviously have a mutual friend here and even though I've never met you, I hate you already.

   The only thing I hate about having a phone is when people call.

   McDonald's is like a one night stand. I crave it. It feels good going down. I completely regret it afterwards.

   No meal tastes as delicious as the meal that someone else cooks.

   When you count, it's called push-ups. When you don't, it's called sex.

   I wouldn't call it a career, it's more of a soul-sucking paycheck making machine.

   Love is like a beach ball at a rock concert. It's fun for the people that get to be a part of it and just plain annoying for everyone else.

   I'm watching Scarface 'cause I'm gangsta... On VHS 'cause I'm old school.

   Captain Obvious must have been the last superhero name available.

   Just once I'd like to see someone in a movie call bullsh*t when someone tells them their phone number starts with 555.

   If you're wearing sweat pants either you just worked out or you've never worked out.

   I wish I was friends with a midget so I could introduce by saying, "Say hello to my little friend."

   Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want 'cause you're not driving.

   Victoria's Secret: objects in this t-shirt may be smaller than they appear.

   People accuse me of being overly competitive. I'm not. I'm the most non-competitive person in the world. No one even comes close.

   You're only young once. After that, you need some other excuse for acting like an idiot.

   It may be Pre-Season Football, but I'm drinking like this game really counts.

   Tom Brady says he refuses to watch Hard Knocks. He doesn't need to watch. The Patriots tape the Jets practices anyway.