Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Please lord let that toaster be plugged in. *watches wife fishing out bread with a fork

   Thanks, resealable packaging, but I think we both know that won't be necessary.

   Not all accidents are destiny, but all girls named Destiny were accidents.

   Strangers who think it's okay to just have a random chat with me is what's wrong with the world today.

   blunt so fat it swims with a shirt on

   Oops, It slipped, wrong hole! But since I'm already here..... - MEN

   Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don't have to see, touch, or smell them.

   Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

   I put on my pants just like everyone else around here, reluctantly.

   Was Sharknado made just so they could finish off a reel?

   The difference between love and lust is one letter: hotel vs. motel

   “we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.

   some people build walls to see who cares enough to bring them down, others build walls because they’re in the construction industry.

   Question: If men get "c*ck-blocked" do women get "beaver-dammed"?

   I don't even pick up the soap after I drop it in my own shower. There's just something about me I don't trust.

   Hitchhikers won't kill you if you kill them first.

   I bet Ke$ha's parents, €arl and £inda, are super ashamed of her.

   No, whenever there's trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.

   Ultimate act of defiance, finishing your FB status update while your Boss waits at your desk!

   How much for the survival kit? Sir, that's an iPhone charger.