Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BAT WINGS: When you're sweaty, and your sac starts stickin to your inner thighs

   LOVE: nature's way of tricking people into reproducing

   when light turns green, it means GO not text

   WEDDING: Point at which a male's opinions become utterly worthless.

   Have you heard about that online origami store? It folded.

   ...Wyclef Jean disqualified for Haitian Presidency. Hey, that's no fair! If we elected an unqualified black man, why can't they?

   less than a God, but more than a man.

   This gallon of ice cream is a new flavor called, "Get Your Own."

   If your girlfriend's driving you crazy, it's probably because it's the only kind of driving she's good at.

   Look at it this way... If Walmart didn't exist, those people could shop ANYWHERE.

   Your eyes make the stars look like they're not shining.

   I think this person in the bank drive thru in front of me is refinancing their mortgage.

   What's this bullsh*t that Pandora is telling me that I've gone over my free music listening privileges for the month and now I have to pay a fee to listen some more?!?! This is America! And in America, Pandora should be free no matter how much you use it!

   If I'm ever on life support, pull the plug and plug it back in. See if that works.

   Thank you guys for the birthday wishes. And thank you Facebook for reminding them.

   I'm at that very brief period of drunk right now where I love my life and everybody in it.

   Girlfriend caught you looking at another woman? Turn to your girl and tell her that you're glad she doesn't dress like that.

   Driving school wouldn't be so bad if cops started giving tickets to all the hot girls they pull over.

   Why is Monday so far from Friday, but Friday so close to Monday?

   If you ask me a question, I say "I don't know" and you ask me again, prepare for a very ridiculous answer.