Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best thing about this day? I haven't been fired. The worst thing about this day? I'm still working here.

   Whenever I choose to go down the stairs next to a crowded escalator, I feel the need to move faster than the escalator to prove to the people on board that I made the better decision.

   Whenever I'm driving, and someone lets me go in front of them, I always feel the need to go as fast as possible, so they don't regret their decision. I won't let you down, Mr. Mercedes Man, I won't let you down.

   Shouldn't they be called salt and pepper shakees? I do all the work and they get all the credit. I'm the f*cking shaker!

   Making all day plans on the weekend always sounds fantastic. Right up until the time my alarm goes off and I remember I hate getting up early on weekends and I don't really like other people.

   The first person who was used for a silhouette must have been ridiculously ugly. "Woah, change of plans. Instead of a portrait, how about we just take the shadow of your face?"

   anyone else as apprehensive about throwing out a shoebox as I am?

   It'll be weird when names like Heather and Ashley are old people names.

   Either way, I'm still going to be laying on the couch and watching TV all day, but if I can hear it raining outside I somehow feel a lot less lazy.

   I want to kick somebody's a$$, somewhere in the world, who works in a glitter factory.

   You do not need a clock to know that you overslept 3 hours for that important meeting. When you wake up, something in the air just screams "You are SO f*cked."

   Sometimes I'd rather be home by myself then have to hang out with my friend's friends.

   The scariest part of the show “I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant” is that there are enough of these women to sustain an entire series.

   My grocery store is trying to be more eco-friendly by lowering the amount of plastic bags used. Great, but perhaps we can start by not giving me a foot-long receipt every time of buy a bag of Doritos.

   It bothers me that one day a future generation with all-digital textbooks will look back and laugh at us for having to carry 40-pound backpacks in high school.

   Whenever you're talking to someone who is really attractive, the odds of you doing something stupid are multiplied by 100.

   The thing I miss most about being a kid is having the ability to fall asleep nearly anywhere and it's still socially acceptable.

   Just saw a guy hold the door open for his girlfriend, then playfully trip her as she walked in. So, chivalry isn't dead... it's just on life support.

   There's an "Extreme Heat Advisory" in my city today. Thank goodness for that. Otherwise, I might not have realized it's hot as Satan's balls out within one second of walking outside.

   I never have enough clothes...until I do laundry, then I never have enough closet space.