SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages
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You say "kiss ass," I say "rim job enthusiast."

The Hamburglar burgled HAM. If he stole burgers, he'd be called the Hamburgerburglar.

Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni... That folks, is what drugs do to you.

Auto correct is my worst enema.

Someone just licked their thumb before handing me a paper. I hope my story inspires other victims to come forward.

A 5-year-old is really just an alarm clock without a snooze button.

Some call it drug abuse. I say the drugs get what they deserve.

There should be a children's song "If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your Dad sleep."

No more information! We have too much of that stuff.

I really wanna say "let's set up a perimeter," but I really don't want to be in a situation where I'd have to.

Can we start counting magazines as books. I'll sound so much smarter.

For $2.20 you can get a medium coffee and a free 14 year supplies worth of napkins at dunkin donuts.

Theoretically, you can't really complain if there's a pubic hair on your everything bagel.

When someone gives you their futon, they are basically saying "you should sleep where my girlfriend got pregnant by some other dude".

If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn't even be nominated.

"Stoned to Death" sounds way more fun than it actually is.

Groupon's slogan should be: "Nothing you want but at least your inbox isn't empty!"

It's a shame that most things aren't pies. More things should be pies.

If I got a dime for every time I didn't know what was going on, I'd be asking people why they're giving me dimes.

Grocery store flowers; show someone you care slightly more than not at all.
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