Baddie Funny Status Messages

   If it weren't for the idiotic media, idiots like the Kartrashians would cease to be dominating TV and printed press like they are today.

   Pay attention she's giving you all the answers.

   My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word 'unemployment'.

   There's nothing that a well-planned homicide can't fix.

   It's so cute how you have a safe word like you think I can hear you through the duct tape.

   Congrats to LeBron for being the first person in human history to successfully escape Ohio and then go back by choice.

   What if I told you none of this was real? "Sir, just pay us your credit card debt."

   I'm that dude that responds to your text 3 weeks later with ;)

   It's all fun and games until they find traces of your DNA

   *Pizza Hut job interview* "Do you own a sh*tty car and smoke pot?" No sir. "You will."

   So "instagram" doesn't mean your dealer is right around the corner?

   Maybe cops who plant evidence just really love gardening.

   It's funny how you become mom's new favorite when your sibling goes to jail.

   I could spend my day outside, but I'm sure there's plenty of p0rn that needs to be rated.

   *at the cat shelter* Yes hi, where are the shopping carts?

   The best thing about depression is all the naps. Also the frequent snacks. Also the heavy drinking. The drugs are cool too.

   what base is it when your wife feels the bed shaking and says if you're going to jerk off do it on the couch?

   diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don't wear any.

   I swear while 50% of the human race is evolving the other 50% is devolving.

   Walk of shame? If I can still walk, the shame is yours.