SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   I like how the package for cotton swabs says don't put them in your ears and everyone in the world is thinking: "WTF else would I do with them?!"

   Never fall in love with an a$$ man, unless you're prepared to offer him the moon.

   Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there's a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.

   As a non-smoker, "Thank You for Not Smoking" signs make me want to be thanked for other sh!t I'm not doing.

   After 10 Dos Equis beers, I think I'm the most interesting man in the world.

   Watch out! It's quite possible some of my best mistakes haven't been made yet.

   I see you're playing stupid. Looks like you're winning too.

   You know it's going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”

   To steal from one is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.

   Iowa state fair is selling a fried stick of butter. Glad to see you guys are still pro life.

   There is NO WAY that Bert and Ernie are gay. They haven't changed their outfits in 25 years.

   Time heals everything... except a stupid tattoo.

   why are most king-size comforters so ugly? My bed is not an obese woman in need of a flowered, polyester muumuu.

   I'm curious how many of you are Austrian boys. Show of Hans?

   It' s impossible to sneak Oreos out of this loud & sticky package they're in. Damn you Nabisco!!

   Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.

   Once you get to be older, "friends with benefits" just means your partner has a solid 401k and a kick a$$ dental plan.

   I just accidentally mixed 'I cant believe its not butter' with my regluar butter...now I dont know what to believe.

   The bat signal seems pretty useless if they need Batman during the day.

   It's hard to be naked and baked without wondering why the two words don't rhyme.