SEAN Funny Status Messages

   Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

   Scared the postman by going to the door naked. I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

   ‎20 years from now, some adults are going to say they grew up on the "bad part of town," meaning there was no 4G in that area.

   Always carry $100,000 cash on you at all times in case you ever feel like getting a sandwich from an airport.

   They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona.

   I stopped listening to heavy metal after googling "where to buy Anthrax" landed me on several government watch lists.

   My dog was licking his privates. My friend said "I wish I could do that". I said "You better pet him first, he's kind of mean".

   A waffle house is like a gas station bathroom that serves waffles.

   If you are under house arrest but live in a mobile home can you go anywhere you want?

   Lindsay Lohan should at least have to spend as much time in jail as we have to spend hearing about it.

   Every time I'm not with my kid and someone asks me "Where's the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.

   Someone told me that the word "gullible" was not in the dictionary. Well I checked and it was there! Sometimes people's idiocy surprises me.

   Patience" is what parents have when there are witnesses

   The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.

   Nothing says 'I hope you choke on this and die' like the gift of a fruitcake

   When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I get the sensation of chocolate covered toothpaste.

   If you leave your phone unattended around me there is a good chance I will send a text to all of your contacts that says "I have recently turned gay."

   I'm too embarrassed to tell you how many times I've mistaken insulation for cotton candy.

   I did really well when I worked at the carnival. I guessed people's temperature within 5 degrees

   If it's true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff.