Huck Funny Status Messages

   PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

   What if we found out that there's no such thing as Federal Bikini Inspectors and those guys in the t-shirts are con-men?

   Interest in the Bermuda Triangle disappeared. Seems suspicious.

   The most fascinating thing I remember from my childhood is the amount of people Coolio fit into his trunk that day he went on a Fantastic Voyage.

   If my job was to make health questionnaires, I'd slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"

   I wonder if there is a secret feud between rocket scientists and brain surgeons.

   I believe in love at first sight, and love at last call.

   When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one is that happy

   The Cowboys just signed a "No Super Bowl for six more years" contract today

   You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. You can, however, make a pretty decent ham wallet.

   Is it necessary for every office-building stairwell to look like a Law & Order crime scene?

   Just assassinated a huge spider with a slingshot and a Flintstone vitamin if anyone's looking for a bodyguard.

   I like to draw graffiti on highway overpasses. Things like "clearance 40 feet".

   All voicemail systems tell you the date and time of the message, so can you please, please, please stop telling me what time it is.

   You can tell its getting warmer out. The first mullets of spring have appeared.

   Got some stain remover that takes out grass, urine, sweat, coffee, and lipstick stains. Sounds like quite an evening.

   How to open a card: 1. Pretend to read card 2. Pretend to not look for money If money found: 3. Show gratitude OR 4. Feign gratitude

   It's because donkey and monkey don't rhyme that I'm so angry at the world.

   Sometimes after I try to parallel park, I'll just get out and stand with my hands on my hips like a relief pitcher who just blew a save.

   My car is making an odd noise right now, but I treat my car problems like my emotional problems, ignore them until a breakdown.