Hiyourjon Funny Status Messages

   Politicians should have to wear NASCAR jumpsuits so that we know which corporations sponsor them.

   One time I was stranded on a kitchen island for 4 years. It was delicious.

   Very hard explaining to a 4yo how paper beats rock. None of us likes it, that's just the way it is, but we accept it and move on.

   Elisabeth Hasselbeck is going to Fox News, which will be a better use of her skills, such as "having a face" and "being wrong about things"

   Every day is free Slurpee day if you own a shotgun.

   it called NASCAR because that's the way a hillbilly pronounces "nice car?"

   My doctor said I should eat more Taco Bell. He actually said "Less McDonald's", but I'm pretty sure I know what he meant.

   Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.

   Women are like bacon: They look good, They smell good, They taste good, And they will kill you slowly.

   A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.

   Bud Light? I'd rather Light Bud.

   Women complain that they should be treated more equally. OK fine. Next time a ship sinks in the ocean, you ladies don't get to get off first.

   In alcohol’s defense, i've done some pretty dumb shít while completely sober too.

   Double Stuff Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.

   i bought a 30 pack of condoms and they expire in 2016. i’m crunching the numbers here and it’s not looking good

   This cop is going to look like such a dumbass trying to give me a field sobriety test while I'm invisible.

   How to tie the strongest knot ever? Step 1: Put your headphones in your pocket. Step 2: Wait 1 minute.

   My mom found out that I was smoking weed and she told me to "pack my bags" LOL it's called a bowl mom and it's already packed

   This entire time I thought YOLO was a new frozen yogurt store.

   @AnissaClingman: Wtf? I opened this huge lawnmower box and there is no Mexican in it. I thought they were shipped together. Dammit! Who's gonna push it? : /