CzovCzov Funny Status Messages

   The best part about waking up Sunday morning is knowing that sex can be more than a quickie and you can sip your coffee instead of gulping it.

   Why is Chris Brown's nickname Breezy? Shouldn't it be 'Bruisey' instead?

   "OMG I got flowers and chocolate! I should take a picture of them and post it on my Facebook page so everyone can know I got flowers and chocolate!" - Some Silly ho on Facebook.

   I found the vodka… it was hiding in the orange juice!

   I often send texts to random numbers that say. "Guess whose restraining order's expired!?" Eventually I'm bound to get a hysterical reply.

   Feeling stressed about something? Ask yourself, “Will this really matter after I've had a few drinks?”

   "What's the point of winning all these golden covered Grammys if there isn't chocolate in the middle?" - Adele

   I've decided to nickname my fridge 'Facebook'. Because even if I know there's nothing there, I still check it every time I go into the room.

   Why do they keep records of people who died due to alcohol, but not the records of people who were born thanks to it?

   I get so emotional when you're not around. That emotion is called joy.

   People who don't like their beliefs being laughed at shouldn't have such funny beliefs.

   What's big, red, and looks like a bucket? A big red bucket.

   A clever horse needs only one touch of the whip...unless it's into that sort of thing.

   Suicide Bomber Training: "Pay attention because I'm only going to show you this once..."

   MOM: Make your bed! SON: Why make my bed If I'm gonna sleep In It again tonight? MOM: Why wipe your ass If you are gonna poop again?

   I think the best way to prove to an ex that you don't think about them anymore is to write and produce a song saying so.

   The three most read words in the world: I̶ ̶L̶o̶v̶e̶ ̶Y̶o̶u̶ …NO! It's: “Made in China.”

   It takes 17 muscles to smile, 43 to frown and 0 to not give a damn.

   Alcohol preserves everything except secrets.

   New survey: 55% of men expect to pay on the 1st date. While the other 45% have never been on a 2nd date.