Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know that nervous feeling you get every time you're about to slide your debit card? And then the joy you feel when it says approved.

   Sleep is like sex... I don't get either one as much as I want.

   They say that money isn't the key to happiness. If I had lots of money, I'd have the key made.

   It's so annoying when someone keeps talking after you've interrupt them.

   Me, walking: "Pedestrians ALWAYS have the right of way!" Me, driving: "LOOK OUT FOR CARS, freakin idiots."

   was a strange kid. I had an upper and lower G.I Joe.

   I just got the best deal ever on eggs.

   You know you're having a bad day when your blow up doll ran away with your air mattress

   I often wonder what I've done with my life. But then my clinically sane friends visit me, and I remember why I enjoy being nuts!!!

   Don't be so dramatic! Somebody out there will like you just the way you are. After all... there are plenty of blind guys out there.

   See! I told you that someone would still find you attractive! At least he's not your real dad.

   Sorry, but it was time he ended it. You're both going different directions in life... he's getting taller, and let's face it... you're just getting fatter.

   having a hard time deciding.. Laundry today or Naked tomorrow?

   So she "just wants to be friends." Cheer up! That's more than most people want to be with you.

   wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I'm awesome.

   doesn't think I'll ever reach the age where I'm old enough to know better.

   Until I found Facebook, I had no idea talking to myself could be so entertaining.

   Pro Tip: If someone asks you if you "have a sec" and you answer "I have lots of secs", they will forget their original question.

   Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to 'fast wipe' when parked illegally.

   taking my loose change to the club tonight to make it HAIL!