Baddie Funny Status Messages

   You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.

   Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster

   Sorry I was checking out your ass during your entire emotional breakdown.

   No honey, I love your constant input on my driving

   Hey ladies, awesome news, I checked, they sell hoodies in the women's section too. I know, right?! ..I'd like mine back

   It's not my job to fix you, people get paid for that.

   Using a cellphone in 90's: "he's prob a drug dealer" Using a payphone today: "he's prob a drug dealer"

   Watching p0rn and the woman actually said "i love you" in the heat of the moment & its the most disgusting thing i've heard in a p0rn ever.

   How much for the sluts? Sir, that's a package of socks

   Kardashians are like door handles, every one gets a turn.

   I'm white but not "get up to go jogging at 3am before work" white.

   The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It's like winning an award.

   “The Force” is weird. How come a Jedi can detect a planet being destroyed light years away but can’t tell he is kissing his own sister?

   "Daddy, what happens when a person dies?" "Son, they get married and have kids"

   How much for this brick of gold? Sir, that's a block of cheese.

   "No comment" - said no woman, ever

   "Nipping it in the bud" sounds way more fun than it actually is.

   If you can talk your wife into having sex, you could score with anybody.

   My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.

   FACEBOOK: Twitter, because sleep deprivation, alcoholism, sexual frustration, social dysfunction, & personal suffering were made for the internet.