Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm wondering what kind of loser spends Thursday night drinking and bragging about it on Facebook? Anyway, I'm totally drunk.

   Some of you make impulsive, poorly thought out decisions. We should hang out more.

   the one they are referring to when they say "there's one in every crowd..."

   Whenever I ask "Why me?... a voice always says, "So, who else did you have in mind?"

   Just when you think you've finally hit the bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.

   It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor as long as you have money.

   I love bald men with no dress sense that make me feel bad about myself....I swear I will marry one...ok?

   The worst feeling in the world is when you are in the middle of a good story and realize no one is listening to you.

   I wonder if the psycho hitchhiker ever gets picked up by the psycho driver. Now there's a movie I'd pay to see.

   I will give you 2 seconds to figure out that you have the right of way before I take it from you.

   Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart," all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart."

   O Friday, O Friday! wherefore art thou Friday? Deny thy other weekdays and refuse thy work hours. Or if thou wilt not, just hurry up and get here already.

   I ate so many Dunkin Donuts at work today I think I'm qualified to be given a badge and a gun

   When a fat chick dies she get her wings, but they're not angel wings they're buffalo wings

   Jesus himself told us that He saw Lucifer fall like a shooting star from Heaven... Just our luck the jerk landed at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

   it better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all?......no it is NOT!

   Frank was here....went to get beer...

   REALLY in the matrix......would I know though?

   This old lady was tailgating me so I slammed on my brakes...I think I gave her a heart attack, at least thats what the paramedics said

   My wife's an adult film actress....She's going to be furious when she finds out!