Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Friends who befriend me can't be a friend in the first place now can they.

   Realized there is a fine line between a true friend and a fake, two faced back stabber who cares only about his/her self.

   I was a little disappointed in my morning.. the crayon said peach.. but it sure didn't taste like peach!

   Happy Independence Day to all Indians out here...Married Men may ignore this message :-)

   Never entrust your life to a surgeon who has more than two band -aids on his fingers

   To prevent injuring your thumb while hammering,have your wife hold the nails.

   Wife: I wish I was newspaper, so I'd be in your hands all day. Husband:I too wish that you were newspaper, so I could have a new one everyday.

   I'll bet if Andy Capp's wife took that stupid rag off her head and dolled herself up a bit, maybe he wouldnt have to get drunk all the time...

   The price of gold is at an all-time high. If I were a young rap artist, I think I'd ride out the storm in graduate school.

   Having correctly predicted the vampire craze, I now boldly predict the next pop culture phenomenon. Butlers.

   Has anyone checked on Tupac lately? He hasn't put out a posthumous album in quite a few years.

   Signs you're getting old. Trying to save something on your computer and you can't remember where you put the floppy disks.

   My other Facebook page is a 69 camaro.

   I like being Next,, You can let somebody go in front of you and still be Next. People know who you are. " Who is that"? ... " Oh him he is Next".

   Remember before they had Hummers when you had to actually talk to a guy to tell if he was an a**hole?

   I bought my daughter an Iphone she was happy I bought my son an Ipad he was exstatic I bought my wife an Iron she threw it at me

   there are many peoples in front of pc for fb than doing their assignments today. it is a fact..trust me!

   The Hoff's singing is huge in Germany. He should be proud. Germans have always been known 4 their sound judgment

   one reason they call it PMS is that Mad Cow disease was already taken.

   Pre-season football reminds me of some of my ex's. It's over too soon and it's always boring