SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Girl just asked me to talk dirty so I described the space behind my fridge.

   That new survey says that 33 is the happiest age but somehow I think Jesus and John Belushi might disagree.

   If you ever laugh so hard that your ass actually comes off, sh!t probably stops being funny real quick.

   I invented a new sexual position called "The Republican" where I screw poor people.

   What's the appropriate cutoff age for playing in an inflatable bouncy house? Please let me know ASAP as this will impact my weekend plans.

   Just changed the names of all the girls in my contact list to: "Jake, from State Farm"

   It's hard to be optimistic about the future when you go to YouTube and see how many people videotape their TV.

   Coors Light ships cold straight from the factory. I wish other water companies would do the same.

   Scientists are coming closer to unlocking the secret to why the average American owns 40 pairs of jeans but only wears 3 or 4 of them.

   People who say they don't know how to lie are lying.

   Stun guns, corn dogs & inappropriate flags. That's what flea markets are made of.

   A message in a bottle is just ocean spam. Don't open it.

   When I go to Twitter and it says "Something is technically wrong" I think that's probably the most accurate statement ever.

   If wearing a hoodie automatically made you a suspect there'd be dead emo kids everywhere.

   You say "potato," I say "larger more powerful potato."

   Team Edward, Team Jacob, & Team Hey Kid Read Some Anne Rice Already.

   I showered and came to work. Asking me to be productive is pushing it

   I've spent at least 15% of my life pulling a chain & trying to figure out if the ceiling fan is speeding up or slowing down.

   "Gigs" are better than "jobs," because at gigs the expectations for your sobriety are significantly lessened.

   People who say they don't have any problems are lying to you, but at least give them credit for not telling you about them.