Baddie Funny Status Messages

   "Describe yourself in three words" "Lazy"

   No women in their soccer team. Typical Iran.

   be careful what you post online because future employers might see it and want to hang out with you because you’re so cool

   The mile high club is bullsh*t unless you're both anorexic!!

   When attacked by a bear, play dead. Make his meal less stressful. It's not all about you.

   can someone please tell Kim Jong-Un that Seth Rogen is Canadian

   "this hurts me more more than it hurts you." I say as I burn my own hand with a lighter in front of my son, unsure what the lesson is.

   i just worked out. well, I just did push ups. well, 1 push up. well, I tripped and got back up. well, I'm actually still laying here. *takes a nap*

   *crawls into bed* dad, I had a nightmare. Can I sleep here? *dad sighs* "Son youre 30 and we live 4 states away. How did you even get here?"

   Just heard a little boy call his mom "mother," as if both had already accepted the fact that he'd become a serial killer some day.

   How much for the death sentence? Sir, this is a marriage license.

   Somebody should tell Forrest Gump that on the back of the box of chocolates it tells you exactly what you're going to get.

   I've seen homeless guys who keep their boxes in better shape than some girls keep theirs.

   Facebook crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket.

   Cutting the fat off bacon is like cutting the bacon off bacon.

   Cat hair is lonely people glitter.

   What doesn't kill me makes my wife go back to the drawing board and try just a little harder the next time.

   Sorry I roasted marshmallows over your meltdown.

   How much for the torture device? Sir, that's a wedding ring.

   Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That's about as organic you're gonna get out of me.