BEGO Funny Status Messages

   Dog diary: Me and my master played all day long! Cat diary: Day 147 of captivity.

   Unicorns aren't extinct - they just gained weight and are now called rhinos.

   If you're single and looking to score, never bring girls to a bar... that's like bringing apples to an orchard.

   Apparently "preparing myself for Cinco de Mayo" is not a good reason to be drunk at work today, who knew?

   I come up with all my best ideas when I'm drunk.

   If you fear rejection, get a job trying to hand out free samples at the mall food court, problem solved!

   Women are designed for two things: making babies and making sandwiches, and they need help with the first one.

   Hey Friday! How ya been buddy?

   I don't know if my stomach is growling cuz I'm hungry or if that's my liver crying cuz it's the weekend.

   If someone doesn't appreciate your presence, make them appreciate your absence.

   Text this to someone: I just love making you check your phone for no reason, who's my bi$ch? You are.

   Dear public bathrooms, Toilet paper holders should turn loosely, nobody wants to wipe their a$s with a handful of confetti.

   Process of liking a song: 1 Day: I love this song! 1 Week: Hey that song's good. 1 Month: Turn that s$it off! 1 Year: OMG, I love this song!

   Sometimes, I feel like my life should be documented for future generations.

   Microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.

   What if... birds aren't singing, they're just screaming because they're scared of heights?

   To the woman with 4 screaming kids at Target : if you're wondering how that box of condoms got into your cart... You're welcome.

   According to my shattered iPhone screen, I had a pretty awesome weekend.

   I cant take this long distance relationship anymore. Fridge, you are coming to my room.

   Some kids think they are so smart when they get behind a computer... Bi$ch, I have email accounts older than you.