Baddie Funny Status Messages

   She loves me *pluck* She loves me not *pluck* What? This bird only has two wings?

   it possible to love the one you're with but not be able to stand the sound of their breathing? Asking for a friend

   I had so much no sex last night.

   Did you know vegan is short for joyless judgemental twat.

   My stages of drunk: 1. No way 2. Yes way 3. Three way

   So you hate me? I had no idea you existed. I guess we're even.

   I’d love to tell my wife to make me a sandwich after sex, but then I wouldn’t have enough teeth left to eat it.

   I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down.

   It's racial profiling when a waiter in a Chinese restaurant gives me a fork.

   Just finding out that Nickelback has a greatest hits album very well may have ruined my entire day.

   If you see a porcupine in your yard don't panic, it's just my cat and we're not done with our acupuncture session.

   Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I'll have to turn to Facebook.

   My sex tape is just several camera angles of me getting friend zoned.

   Sometimes I wish I could tame a high-level frost dragon and keep him as a pet. Other times I wish I had a girlfriend.

   I'm not mature enough to be in a yoga class.

   Should I go over and talk to her? Go over there dude. A pregnant woman should never drink alone.

   Should you even have to say the words "don't touch the dog's butthole" to your child?

   Do you even realize I have zeros and zeros of women lining up to get with this?

   " How much for that bouncy castle " Sir that's a woman

   Yoga pants should be regulated. Excuse me ma'am, license and registration please