Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   may not make the history books, but she loves another with all her heart and soul, and that's all that really matters ♥

   This just in, Paul the octopus is dead. Paul was "asked" if Farve was going to stay retired. Witnesses report that Paul changed color's rapidly, vibrated slightly and then exploded.

   out clubbing this weekend. I'm going to beat my record of 12 baby seals.

   I don't really like animals. When I watch Whale Wars I root for the Japanese.

   love me or hate me either way your still.thinking about me

   had to fill out a doctor paper once it said "sex M/F" I didnt know what M or F was so I put"no thanx"

   It's not that I'm immature, it's just that you started it.

   A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.

   I would like to give you a piece of my mind, but this is my last piece.

   Guess drunk? I'm what!

   "Patience" is what parents have when there are witnesses.

   Ask your doctor if "Shutting the Hell Up" is right for you.

   When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

   I never contradict myself. And if you say otherwise, I will agree with you.

   For decades now, Mario has been collecting coins. He does nothing with that money. Buy the princess a bodyguard or something.

   I thought you were maybe kinda cute until you took a call on your Bluetooth Douche Detector.

   Nothing will get a skinny white girl on the dancefloor quicker than "Baby Got Back."

   I'd like to be so rich that my dog has a dog.

   Getting blind drunk off PBR shall now be known as getting a Pabst Smear.

   You know who I hate? Vampires. They can't see their reflections, and yet their hair and makeup is always perfect.