Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If people lived like there was no tomorrow. I'm sure everyone would be at church right now

   is the lime in your Corona!

   Woohoo! Just got my new class ring. I hope I don't lose THIS one in a cheerleader!

   Thumbnail pics. Helping ugly people look hot until you click on them since 1995.

   going to live forever or die trying.

   ...Tila Tequila denies sex tape rumors. Good. When most Asians talk about doggie-style it usually means how they want their dinner prepared!

   If steak and B.J. day isn't a real holiday, than neither Is ''daughter day.''

   born to party forced to study

   Live as if your were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

   ts always hard waiting for something that you want but whats even harder is knowing its everything youve always wanted

   : Twists and Turns and yet NO Lessons Learned!!!! :(

   Many years ago,Ozzy Osbourne asked me how he could get publicity to help his music career. I told him he needed a bright red hat. He thought I said "bite the head off a bat". And the rest,of course is history.

   trying to remember the thing I was suppose to remind myself about, but I can't remember where I put my sticky notes.. DAMNIT !!!

   There's nothing I hate worse than coming home drunk, needing to piss really bad and.... finding the kitchen sink full of dirty dishes.

   Thanking God the whole Justin Bieber writing an autobiography thing was just a rumor.. That would have been the shortest autobiography ever... All 16 pages of it... 18 if you count the index and contents..

   Oscar Mayer needs to change the labeling on their bacon packages to read "Excellent source of hangover cure."

   My fortune cookie read: "HELP! I am being held captive at the fortune cookie factory."

   So how committed are you two, like on a scale of "one" to "sh*tting with the door open?"

   I've created my own cookbook by binding all the food delivery flyers together.

   On our 1st date she wanted to take me to a strip club, but I wasn't ready to meet her mother.