SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Alec Baldwin's narration voice is a symphony of creepy. He makes a floating glacier sound like a pedophile drifting into a playground.

   Nobody ever wants to give BiPolar people credit for being really great half the time.

   Must've been hard to hear Viet Cong sneaking up on you, what with Creedence always blasting.

   I love the word "Allegedly". You can make up anything about anyone without any reprisal... allegedly.

   'Erotic Thriller' always sounds better than 'Terrible Film.'

   I may have a strained abdominal muscle which is cool because that means I have an abdominal muscle.

   Don't worry guys, you can't die from loneliness. You can spontaneously combust from being too horny, however.

   If anyone needs me I'll be over on Facebook telling people their babies look atrocious.

   Right now I'm just eating oatmeal and then after that I don't know what. I am a man without limits. Also not wearing pants.

   You know you're in a sh!tty bar when the food is colder than your beer.

   I just baptized a bale of hay and now I have a Christian Bale.

   I wonder if Satan ever gets tired of getting Xmas letters from dyslexic kids.

   If your hands don't look like you just delivered a baby when you finish eating wings....not enough hot sauce.

   I've had this bamboo plant on my desk for five weeks and I've yet to catch a single panda. :(

   My friend complained that the place she's housesitting didn't have a corkscrew, but I found it in .02 seconds, for I...am a Booze Whisperer.

   I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I'm going to be too busy sitting on mine.

   At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, "Make it 52"

   You're not a real man until you've loved a woman who does a little dance before she pushes out a fart.

   Disappointed the ATM didn't shoot out a burst of confetti to congratulate me for having enough to pull out twenty bucks.

   Bills are like pubes; better when you don't have any.