Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I've given my couch the best years of my life

   It's not a mental breakdown if the police wasn't called.

   Wait. The US has a soccer team?

   Doing stuff is the root of all evil.

   Her: How's your drink? Me: It's ok. I can't taste the alcohol though Her:That's cause we're at the gym and its a protein shake

   My best friend's marriage is such an inspiration. As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.

   I don't mean to brag, but I'm the funniest person at this funeral.

   How much for the masturbation cocoon? Sir that's a sleeping bag.

   AGENT: OK so this role is abou- NICOLAS CAGE: I'll do it.

   What I lack in charm, I make up for in confused awkwardness

   The reason why I have trust issues is because there are fat vegans.

   'I'm wearing yoga pants', is the new 'I'm not wearing any panties'

   Any room can be a panic room if she tells you "we need to talk"

   Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull

   ME: "Waiter, I'd like to send this back" WAITER: "Sir, I believe that's your wife."

   A car full of sluts is called a fish tank

   I'm at my sexiest when I unhinge my jaw to eat a burger

   You just know Quentin Tarantino has killed at least one hooker.

   You think you're important.....and I think you should stop thinking

   Your life sounds very interesting. Tell me more about your dog.