Baddie Funny Status Messages

   No YouP0rn... I do not want to play poker, I'm at work for crying out loud.

   I dated a magician once; she put her hand on my leg and I turned into a motel.....

   Listen, you're a great girl. I'm sure you'll find the right filter for your selfies someday.

   Sex so good you forget to take a selfie.

   When fat people spoon, is it called ladling?

   She deleted and blocked me so I guess you can say we're taking it slow now.

   "Fill 'er up, please", I say as I pull my van up to the cat shelter.

   Here's a list of helpful tips for meeting a great girl: 1. Don't be me.

   I party until the vodka tells me she loves me.

   Sometimes you can get noticed by using wit and charm. Other times, stare in their window. Staring in their window always gets you noticed.

   BOSS: In my office, now! ME: *to myself* dont be about Facebook dont be about Facebook BOSS: We've had a sexual harassment complaint ME: Oh thank God!

   I've worked really hard in my life to not have to hang out with vegans

   Have you tried wrapping your feelings in a tortilla?

   Not now, I'm busy bringing shame to my family on the internet.

   A speed bump but made out of my ex.

   Men that wear Crocs have seen every episode of 'Keeping up with the Kardashians'

   Being all talk and no action sounds relaxing.

   Try as you might, ladies, giraffes will always have the deep throat category on lock.

   Ladies if you want me, I'll be in the Friend zone driving under the speed limit as usual.

   I like people... From a distance.