Funny Status Messages

   I am funny in the dark

   We're out shopping for new dishwashers because my wife says ours is broken. I'm still not sure why we're here and not at the hospital though.

   I want to steal a donut truck and go on a high-speed chase, because it would be funny watching cops chase a donut truck on the news.

   Marriage tip: When you go to borrow your husband's tools, don't put them back. You don't know where they belong. Have your husband take care of it. That way he can show some responsibility and make sure that his things are where he wants them to be.

   My wife asked what my plan was. I said, “Let’s not ruin this with details.”

   My therapist said I should get an emotional support animal. So I got myself a chicken. It was deep fried and came with a milkshake.

   My friend Tony says he does not want me saying his name backwards. I said why Not?

   I'll simply never understand how farmers used to set their roosters forward 1 hour.

   Accidentally called Alexa "Siri"... And now the thermostat is set to 90 and I can't unlock my doors or Windows.

   I remember when I was a kid you could go to the store with $1 and come home with three bags of chips, two candy bars and a cold drink. Now, they have cameras everywhere.