Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I think about deleting all social media and living in a cabin in the woods. Then I remember I like online shopping.

   Can we please stop the spin the wheel crap when visiting a website already?

   I guess they had to invent artificial intelligence since real intelligence is running out.

   Screwed around and used all my sick days. Now I gotta call in dead.

   I called my wife to tell her I'd seen a bear on the way to work. She asked how I knew it was on its way to work. I hung up on her.

   Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject. Now you talk about Botox and nobody even raises an eyebrow.

   When your kids say they hate school, remember to tell them that someday if they're lucky, they'll have a job they hate too.

   Legend says, when you can't sleep at night, it's because you're awake in someone else's dream. So if everyone could stop dreaming about me, that'd be great.

   The Internet has taught me two things: First, there are some incredibly brilliant people out there. Second, they are vastly outnumbered.

   Shout out to all the married folk out there waiting for their spouse to fall asleep on the couch so they can watch what they really want to.