Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Angel of Death said, I’ve come for you. The man said, But why? I’m happy, I’m healthy… The Angel said, you left your phone at home unlocked and your wife found it. The man said, alright let’s go then.

   I’ve never forgotten my Grandad’s last words to me just before he died. Are you still holding that ladder?

   I asked my doctor, do you think I’ll live a long and healthy life? The doctor replied, I doubt it somehow, Mercury is in Uranus right now. I said, I don’t believe in all that astrology crap. He said, neither do I, my thermometer just broke.

   What concert only costs 45 cents? Fifty cent featuring Nickleback.

   It’s better to poop in the sink, than to sink in the poop.

   Thirty days hath September, April, June, and November. All the rest have thirty-one except for January, which has about 100.

   You can't explain something to people that don't even know which restroom to use.

   Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yogurt called Debbie.

   Old people at weddings always poke me and say, "You're next". So, I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

   Dear single women, please stop saying you should give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, please don't force an innocent cat to live with you.