Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What would I do for a Klondike Bar? Probably pay retail price... That's where I draw the line... and even then it's iffy.

   sweating like a cat in an Asian deli.

   Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.

   I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

   The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

   If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

   If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.

   Anybody can make a mistake. It takes real dedication to make all of them.

   Life is like a doughnut. You're either in the dough or in the hole.

   I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

   I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

   Computers are so advanced that they are almost human; well, except for the fact that they don't blame their mistakes on other computers.

   All I want is to find a cool person to hang out with until I drop dead. Not a lot to ask.

   Why can we develop silencers for handguns but not vacuums?

   Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

   I may have been born without the "wait, you shouldn't do that!" gene.

   Facebook has allowed me to bring my "He's a distraction to the rest of the class" from grade school to a global scale.

   "I'm for abolishing and doing away with redundancy." -- J.C. McKay

   You know what's awesome about working out? Not a damn thing.

   I was just about to say "we're all adults here" in a status update and then I came to my senses.