Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It saddens me to think there are people in the world who don't pretend to paddle a canoe while on the moving walkways in airports.

   No, really, I can't afford to be hungover tomorrow. I mean, unless you're buying, of course.

   When I start to trip and fall, I just turn it into a dance. "Sorry, can't control the funk."

   A man sitting in church writes a note to his wife: "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?"...She writes back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

   You know you're a redneck when you go to Walmart and take pictures of yourself.

   Wanna have some fun? Ask a really stoned person to say the word indubitably.

   I can finally sympathize with women after I had to make a CVS trip at 2 am because my XBOX controller ran out of batteries.

   The funny thing is, you can't tell if I'm naked...

   My grandmother just asked me why I don't have any photos on Facebook. Well, at least I know my privacy settings are working properly.

   Bike helmets only protect you from looking cool.

   I will kill you, alarm clock. And your whole family and anyone you've ever cared about.

   If your password is "password" then that is not the only thing I know about you.

   If girls just wanna have fun, then why do they get upset when you don't want a relationship afterwards?

   If you're starting a sentence with "not to sound like a b*tch," guess what you're going to sound like...

   I like to slip condoms into the carts of little old ladies at the store and then watch their reactions when their checking out.

   I think this coffee is broken.

   I believe in love at first sight which is why I quit looking homeless people in the eyes. Just can't risk it.

   My definition of urgent and yours must be different. Answer this, IS IT ON FIRE?

   In addition to Casual Friday, I propose the following: Punch A Coworker Monday, No Pants Tuesday, Drunk At Work Wednesday, and Call In Sick Thursday.

   It's hard to find a birthday present that says "I think your a douche but I still want a piece of your cake please."