Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just had a physical. The doctor said, "Don't eat anything fatty." I said, "You mean like bacon and burgers?" He said, No, fatty. Don't eat anything."

   I'm all for LGBTQ: Lasagna, Gyros, Bacon, Tacos, Quesadillas.

   You gotta hand it to short people. They're too small to reach it by themselves.

   Marriage tip: Every once in a while, call your wife by one of your ex girlfriend's names. This will help her realize that she's not the only woman on the docket, and that you're a great catch!

   The 13% crowd has traded George Floyd for Kendrick Lamar as their new hero.

   Whenever I see someone buying a 4-pack of toilet paper for their household, I think to myself, "Jeeziz, what do they do, s#it just once a week?"

   Weather

   Soon you’ll have to pay extra to have the plane land right side up

   Whatever…Reese’s Eggs are cheaper and taste better than real eggs anyway.

   I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”

   Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree

   As a self-made millionaire and father of 16, I am begging all of you to stop believing everything you read on social media

   Felt uncomfortable driving into the cemetery. The GPS blurted out, "You have reached your final destination".

   Just booked a flight & under Special Requests I put “Please land the plane right side up.”

   I wonder who is keeping Sunny D in business?

   "F" n----s.

   Last night my car broke down outside a pizza place. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.

   The First Amendment is first for a reason. The Second Amendment is just in case the first one doesn't work out.

   Being kissed while you're asleep is one of the purest forms of love. Unless of course you're in prison.

   My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 70 degrees this winter.