Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Where is your hug? Over there by the deodorant!

   Have you hugged an imbecile today? Me neither. Come here.

   Valentines

   I no longer wanna see heroes walking away from explosions but instead I wanna see them exit a helicopter without ducking.

   Taco Bell does a better job of making Mexican food that Beyoncé does making country music.

   After my funeral, I want one of my friends to take my phone and send a message to everyone: "Thank you for coming".

   Marriage tip: Whenever you do something good for your wife, make sure to let her know. For example: "Hey honey, I put all the laundry by the laundry machine. That way you can wash the clothes after you get done with dinner."

   We got a new 12 pack of large eggs. Looking to trade for 2022 or newer Range Rover with low miles. DM for pics of the eggs.

   With the price of eggs this year, we're not dying eggs for Easter. We're dying Cheerios.

   I got a Valentine's Day card that kind of creeped me out today....... It was from my proctologist.

   God made the earth then rested. God made man then rested. God made woman and since then neither God nor man have rested again.

   Marriage tip: Every once in a while, call your wife by one of your ex-girlfriend's names. This will help her realize that she is not the only woman on the docket, and that you're a really good catch!

   Whenever I feel down, I remember I have a roll of Lifesavers and pineapple is next.

   A loan officer put a stack of his business cards on a shelf in the grocery store’s egg section.

   I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

   Elon Musk is out of control. And we love it.

   On average, every person in the world has one testicle.

   For $20 I’ll go to your ex’s profile and comment “the other one was cuter” on their pics

   So, USAID gave Egypt $6million to develop tourism. It's obviously a pyramid scheme.

   Step 1: Go to a drive through. Step 2: Say "I'm sorry but I'm blind. Can you read the menu to me"? Step 3: See how long they'll read before realizing you can't drive if you're blind.