SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Beware of TV. It has the power to turn things like storage, parking and cupcakes into wars.

   I bet all the other glues are really jealous of Super Glue.

   Was just about to pump iron but then I thought, "Does a rose need to wear perfume?"

   Sometimes I think my dog is only interested in food, then I realise that's mostly all I'm interested in as well. He's alright.

   Racism is for lazy people who don't take the time to learn enough about someone to dislike them for a much better reason.

   I'm so tired, I just spent 5 minutes trying to figure out how to vote for Ron Paul on the self-checkout machine at the grocery store.

   I think I invented some new kama sutra moves trying to reach the remote without getting up.

   At the airport heading off to spring break. TSA hassling me about my suitcase full of wet t-shirts.

   Grant me the opiates to accept the things I cannot change, the stimulants to change the things I can + the mixture to know the difference.

   If I was a farmer I'd name one of my cows Jagger and run around singing "I've Got the Moos Like Jagger" and I'd be popular among farmers.

   Sometimes it's too hard to hate everyone all at once, so I hate people in shifts.

   Is marshmallow a vegetable or a fruit?

   Lazy is a strong word. I prefer to say that the stars are reaching for me.

   Scientists plan to clone a woolly mammoth and bring the prehistoric creature back to life. I sure don't see what could go wrong there.

   Sadly, I don't think everyone ever wang-chunged on any night.

   Abilify commercials depress me. Is there a version of this pill I can take just to get through their ads?

   There are times NO actually does mean YES. Like when you ask a girl if she has daddy issues.

   Whenever someone tells me I should be ashamed of myself, I'm like "Got it covered, bro!"

   When your life flashes before your eyes does that include the black outs? That'd be cool. Like your life but with never before seen footage.

   Facebook is neat because it provides a platform for me to connect with old friends, make new ones, and figure out which one's are completely insane.