BEGO Funny Status Messages

   Okay everyone hold.... HOLD... we will slide down and all attack at once!" - Ice cubes in the bottom of a cup.

   Today I was pulled over by a woman cop... I didn't know kitchens had speed limits

   I fear the day I get so drunk that I actually accept Facebook's request to change my profile over to Timeline.

   Dear women of Jersey Shore, You're making me look bad. Sincerely, Orange.

   I was playing with my new toaster in the bathtub today then I read the warning label and it said not to. I was shocked.

   When I was your age, I had to download porn on a dial up connection.

   Women are a Weapon of Cash Destruction.

   Decided to get in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich!

   I don't know exactly who's health I'm drinking to, but they're going to be immortal at this rate

   Women should have labels on their foreheads saying, ‘Government Health Warning: women can seriously damage your brains, current account, confidence, and good standing among your friends'.

   If people could hear the next five seconds after I hit "end" on a call, I would have no friends.

   I am generally caught off guard when people have their cell phone ringer turned on..

   There are over 52.6 million dogs in the U.S. Not counting your ex.

   When black girls take off their earrings you know s$it just got real.

   If I come to your house and you say "make yourself at home", don't get mad when I take my pants off and drink your beer.

   I want to ask some people, "How do you take dumps when s$it comes out of your mouth 24/7?

   I wouldn't have to manage my anger… If people could learn to manage their stupidity. 

   It's funny how you can do nice things for people all the time and they never notice. But, once you make one mistake, it's never forgotten.

   girlfriends are like The History Channel. They always bring up old s?it

   [ ] single. [ ] taken. [X] I get about as much attention as a white crayon.