Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Alright we got Christmas presents out the way where my W2 at

   Overheard a lady saying she won't let her kid watch Peppa Pig because it encourages bad behavior like "jumping in puddles". I watched Road Runner as a kid and haven't blown anyone up with dynamite - yet.

   Not to brag, but I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of the year.

   Diego Rincon is now morongon.

   Jimmy Carter attributes peanuts, rampant inflation, and his Brother Billy kicking the bucket in being instrumental in his reaching 100 years of age.

   Got a hot new dieting tip for you. Just fill up your car's fuel tank and you'll be too broke to buy groceries!

   This Just In: Jimmy Carter to skip Trump Inauguration.

   When I was a kid the guy across the street from us was in the Mob,really nice guy too,every morning he would pay me $10 just to start his car for him.

   If ever you feel angry toward someone, take a deep breath, count to 10, and then throw a punch at 8. Nobody expects that.

   Just saw a 400 pound man holding a sign, "Will work for Food" I wanted to scream out "You need to take a vacation!"

   Women go for bad boys then wonder why they get hurt, afterwards the good guys are forced to repair a broken heart they didn't even cause...

   Not to brag, but I was born sychic. For example, right now you're thinking, "It's psychic you idiot".

   There are two genders: One goes to a gynecologist and the other goes to an urologist. All the others need a pyschologist.

   Just had a triple chocolate Belgian waffle with toffee sauce, fudge piece and whipped cream BUT no sprinkles....Dieting is hard !

   You know me. If I ever win the lottery, rest assured nobody around me will be poor and I mean that. I will move to a rich neighborhood.

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   The "impending snowstorm" is just a conspiracy by Big Weather to get you to buy more milk, bread, and toilet paper.

   You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish

   Snow is merely rain, rain that doesn't go away. It hangs around for days and days.

   Remember when we had to smack the TV because it wasn't working right? I feel that way about some people.