Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Santa said the illegals have been so bad this year that they were put on top of the ICE list

   Hey girl, are you a ketchup bottle? Because I’m gonna flip you over, hit it from the back and make you squirt.

   I’m an organ donor. But I’ve just got to say, if someone gets one, they better be ready to smoke a carton of Marlboros and a ton of Red Bulls to get them to work right. Lol

   Silent farts, deadly farts, all was calm, not for long 😂

   Amazonesia: When you forgot what you ordered this time.

   If it snows, please stay home. Y’all can’t even drive when it’s sunny.

   Twinkle, twinkle little scar; how I wonder, what put ye thar.

   What doesn’t kill you, makes you kind of nervous for the rest of your life.

   I don’t think it’s a coincidence that “diet” has the word die in it.

   I fart on a first date.

   I like to make people who hate me, hate me even more.

   Drones over New Jersey? That's just Amazon delivering Christmas presents. No biggie.

   Apparently, it's rude to poke someone in the forehead and say, "Skip intro" when they start talking to you.

   Donald Trump is a Tarrifist !

   Sleeping with a plus size woman is like riding a moped. Fun to ride, but you wouldn't want to seen on one.

   Mary kiss-a-moose

   Too bad, sooooo sad

   Hip hop, flip-flop

   Knick-knack patty-whack

   Do you smell what I smell?