Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   And yet again this morning No one was standing Next to my bed Saying Your Royal Highness here is your coffee.

   Please pray for my wife. Nothing is wrong with her. She's just married to me, and I am a lot.

   The police chief found Waldo dead in his apartment from a self-inflicted gun shot wound. Maybe instead of us asking "Where's Waldo?", we all should have been asking "How's Waldo?"

   You know it's going to be a bad day when your imaginary friend files a restraining order on you.

   Girlfriend is a slut

   Men marry a woman, hoping she's a nymphomaniac, and in a few years, the nympho leaves, but the maniac stays.

   The three stages of life: Wanting stuff... Accumulating stuff... Getting rid of stuff.

   I hate it when homeless people shake their cups of change at me. Like yes, I know you have more money than I do, no need to brag about it.

   I had a dream I was at work. I woke up and called in because I ain't working twice.

   Get my tires rotated? Uh, pretty sure they rotate while I'm driving but thanks.

   Everyone needs a friend who they shouldn't be allowed to sit next to at a serious function.

   Short, bald, overweight man with missing teeth and no money, tired of being ignored by women, seeks a lady who is not superficial, materialistic or judgmental. Must be hot.

   As a kid, I used to watch The Wizard of Oz and wonder how the scarecrow could talk without a brain. Then I got social media.

   Someone said we're a garage band. I replied, "Dad, you know very well that we rehearse in the carport."

   You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch really isn't that bad. It's kind of manly, makes us feel like we are out camping... with a really angry bear nearby.

   As a kid, I used to watch The Wizard of Oz and wonder how the scarecrow could talk without a brain. Then I watched Biden speak🤪

   When you're at Lowes and hear "Special assistance needed in the blind cutting area" I would hope so... That sounds dangerous...

   McDonald's New Big Mac Slogan: “Two Paper-Thin, Not Convinced They're Actual Beef Patties, Ketchup/Tarter Sauce Combo, Pale Lettuce, Fake Cheese Product, Pickles, Rehydrated Onions on a Miniscule Sesame Seed Bun.”

   PRIDE: If your identity is solely tethered to your sexual preference and the need to crow about it, you have bigger issues than which hole you like.

   If you say "Why does the military get a day but gay people get a month" only during june and not in January, February, March, April, May, July, August, September, October, November or December, you don'yt care about the military, you arre just homophobic