Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   But the baby bear said, "My porridge is just right. My porridge is just right." That bear's repeating.

   Two hundred fifteen pounds? More like five hundred pounds.

   Milk Duds: When you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw

   Stressed spelled backwards is desserts . . . . It all makes sense now

   The attendees at classic rock concerts are getting so old that I have to make sure I'm at a music venue instead of the Early Bird Special at Denny's.

   Hurricane Idalia is slowly heading north at 8 mph. Kinda like a person of color driving in the left lane on I-95.

   I said to the waiter, "This fish is dry." And he said, "Yes sir, we had to take it out of the water."

   More like your meth smoking mama driving in the left lane on I-95.

   I won't be participating in the 2023-2024 Wuhan Flu Games!

   My name is, P01135809

   Why did God create economists? Because he didn't want meterorologists to be the only people wrong all the time.

   Time travel is real, but you just don't know it,......yet

   RIP Jimmy Buffett. The Hurlburger's in Paradise.

   passing away to margaritaville

   Jimmy Buffett sat on a tuffet Drinking his Tanqueray When along came a drunkard A pothead had skunkard And folks in Key West are all ghey..

   A blonde finds out she's going to have twins and starts crying. "What's wrong," the doctor asked, "Do you not want twins?" The blonde replied, "No, I don't know who the second dad is!"

   I can never find my college Alma Mater's football games on TV. I attended FU. It's the only school that'd accept me. I graduated Smegma Cum Lordy.

   Song Wrecker . Someone who you can't listen to a certain song without having a bad flashback to ?

   If I comment on your post “Nice filter, are you gonna block me?”

   I call my peeniss Joe Pesci, because I haven't seen that little guy in years.