Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Either someone’s smoking pot or it’s a skunk! Lmao 😂

   Some of you are going to keep trusting the system until your pronouns are was/were. 🙁

   (Overheard from the other room) 8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich? Grandma: Did you eat all your supper? 8yo: No. Grandma: Just one then. 😂

   Anyone: Do you sleep with a fan? Me: I’d say my wife mostly likes me, but “fan” is pushing it. 😁

   My wife and I do this role play, where she tells me all the things that need to be fixed around the house and I pretend this is the first time I’m hearing about it. 😂

   When they can’t control or manipulate you, they smear you. 😔

   There are two kinds of people: Those who do whatever they’re told, no matter what. And, people who will do what is right, no matter what they are told. 😉

   Keep rolling your eyes, you might find a brain.

   You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.

   Most folks keep their trap shut when they’ve nothing interesting to say. Not you, your flipper flaps like the national deficit.

   You’re the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.

   Glad to see you’re not letting education get in the way of your ignorance.

   You’re about as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.

   There are some incredibly dumb people in this world. Thank you for helping me understand that.

   I would slap the crap out of you, but there would be nothing left.

   You’re living proof that it’s possible to live without a brain.

   It’s cute when you try to string words into a complete sentence.

   I got a job sketching suspects at the police station. I'm a con artist!

   The secret to keeping a clean house is done by clicking on the last option under settings on Facebook.

   Security at every level of the airport is insane, until you get to the baggage claim. Then it’s like, take whatever bag you want. 😂