Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love to shop, but I’ll never buy your bull.

   Congratulations, everyone who heard what you just said had their IQ drop 90 points.

   Hope your wife brings a date to your funeral.

   Your face makes onions cry.

   me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* so sorry

   Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.

   You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.

   I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

   Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.

   if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.

   Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.

   It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”

   Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos

   According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.

   NO! I didn't fall on the floor! I attacked it with my wicked ninja skills! Aren't you jealous?

   I went to a store that sells classic record albums. The sign on the door said "All Sales Vinyl."

   Marriage tip: Make sure your wife always accommodates to your needs. "Honey, when you finish using the bathroom, you need to put the toilet seat back up".

   I’m all out of snacks. What else do people do for fun? 🤔

   I’m going to need some of you guys to start getting weirder, I cannot keep pulling all the weight like this. 😏

   Forest Grump: And just like that, having classified documents was perfectly acceptable. 😆